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COLUMNISTSRSS

Cash flow

at 24/08/2009 19:31

Deidre Dare

I have been thinking about becoming a whore.

When I was about 11 years old, my very chic and much older sister, Shatta, told me that a lady is never "flat broke", she only experiences "cash flow problems".

And, like most of us in hard-hit Russia these days, this lady is definitely experiencing bolshoi cash flow problems.

Now, when I decided to go into the law, I wanted to take an expensive preparatory course for the law school admissions test. At the time, I was suffering severe "cash flow problems" and I asked my father to pay for the course, which he refused to do, considering it a waste of money.

So, in order to raise the cash, I decided to become a "high class" whore.

I'd heard that this was something pretty Ivy League students sometimes did for money.

I turned to the Escort Services section of the New York City phone book and started making calls.

"What the hell are you doing?" my father demanded when he overheard one of my telephone conversations.

After explaining my plan to him, Daddy not only gave me the money for the law course, but extra "mad money" as well so I could buy some new clothes for it.

I recently told a British friend about this "Whore Plan" of mine and he was not impressed. Instead, he suggested I do a list of other possible ways to solve my financial woes and promised that he would review it and help me come up with a better plan.

A few nights later, he returned to my flat as agreed to review the list I'd drawn up.

Without any exaggeration at all, this is what I showed him:    

1. Life of Crime (banks, jewels or other types of heists involving running around in tight, black bodysuits)

2. Pawning my Rolex and ruby ring and gambling the proceeds in Monte Carlo while wearing a tight, black bodysuit

3. Entering a Scrabble tournament

4. Blackmail someone...

(Who? Risk of being counter-blackmailed perceived as high)

5. Become a con artist (a la Ange-lica Houston in "The Grifters")

6. Find a patron, like artists had in the old days

7. Throw self on kindness of strangers (a la Blanche Dubois, as played by Vivien Leigh)

8. Throw self on mercy and protection of wealthier friends

9. Learn to count cards and go to Las Vegas (would tight, black bodysuit suit Vegas? Doubtful...)

To my amazement, my friend found this list "totally unacceptable".

Still, since he could come up with nothing better, I decided to try and implement some of the easier schemes I'd put on my list.

The first thing I attempted to do was to find a patron, which is defined as "a protector; benefactor" in my Webster's dictionary. It wasn't long until I got my first opportunity.

I was having a drink at Pushkin Cafe with a fabulously wealthy Frenchman and he told me that he thought that Neil Armstrong's moon landing had been filmed not on the moon but in Stanley Kubrick's studio. According to him, NASA had been so impressed by "2001: A Space Odyssey" that they hired Kubrick to do the footage, which the astronauts then relayed from the surface of the moon. I challenged the Frenchman by pointing out to him that the movie did not come out until after the "one giant step" had been taken.

So, we made a bet. If I was right, he'd become my patron. If I was wrong...

Alas, I was wrong.

The next item I tried off the list was "throw self on mercy and protection of wealthier friends."

I wrote an e-mail to about 20 of my closest friends explaining how desperate my situation was and asking for their help. Images of the last scene in "It's a Wonderful Life" filled my head. You know: the scene where the whole community pulls together and donates money so that George won't have to go to prison because Uncle Billy lost the deposit for the bank.

Do you want to know how it went?

Let's just say that I'm off to buy a tight, black bodysuit.

In the meantime, if you want to spend the night with me, it will cost you $2,500 (that includes breakfast in bed)...

xxoo, DD

Deidre Dare's novel "Expat" and "Moscow Moment" video reports can be viewed at: www.deidredare.com

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